The Popular Podcast #146: A Pattern for Beach Camping

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Hear about the adventures of Beach Mom and Douche Delicious in this episode of The Popular Podcast. We are experts at beach camping, but often times, the unexpected has the tendency to fuck up our pattern language. Anyone want to start a beach towing business?

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A Pattern for Primitive Tent Camping on Padre Island National Seashore’s South Beach

Primitive beach camping is both rewarding and challenging. Waking up to the sunrise alone on the beach definitely makes all the sandy crotch worth it, but Jessica and I can only stand it for one night. If you are brave enough to stay multiple nights, I ask you to share a pattern for that, because I am not up to the challenge!

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Complete Packing List

  • Small Tent
  • Mallet
  • 2 Sleeping Bags
  • 2 Pillows
  • Cooler
  • Food & Drink [ Detail ]
  • Hand Sanitizer
  • Charcoal
  • Tripod Grill
  • Shovel
  • Cups
  • Cutlery
  • Garbage Bags
  • Chairs
  • Sunscreen
  • Bug Spray
  • Reading Material
  • Goggles*
  • Water Shoes*
  • Warm Clothes

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* Goggles & Water Shoes: While they may not seem essential, goggles and water shoes dramtically improve the comfort level of the beach. Goggles are important to keep salt, sunscreen, and sun out of your eyes while you are swimming. Water shoes keep you safe from washed up jellyfish, keep sand from between your toes, and help keep your mind at ease because you are not constantly stepping on ambiguous objects in the water. The are especially useful after a storm when tons of seaweed will be washed up on the beach. Essentially, these two very simple things help you eliminate many of the annoyances and dangers of the beach.

Tent: Use a small tent, because the larger the tent, the more susceptible it is to the high winds. We used to use a six person tent until the winds collapsed the tent on Jessica, myself, and my brother Andrew, and we all had to sleep in Jessica’s Civic. After that little incident we purchased this Ozark Trail Junior Tent for $20. It takes the fraction of the time to set up, and doesn’t constantly flap, flap, flap.

Food: Pre-making as much of your food as possible is important because anything you touch after you arrive will get sand on it. Lots of fresh fruit is also great because it hydrates and doesn’t create any waste. We bring lots of extra fruit and nuts to eat in the car on the way there to deter ourselves from stopping for fast food. Or beef jerky.

Lunch is leftover burgers from the night before to devour upon arrival at the beach. The night before, we cook 4 burgers at once on our George Foreman, eat two of them, and save two for lunch the next day. Put the burger, a slice of cheese, and an onion on an English muffin and wrap them in foil. Drench in ketchup when you get there, and you have yourself a delicious meatloaf sandwich!

Snack on the rest of your fruit and nuts all day whilst drinking your wine at a moderate pace. Bring some sausages to cook over the fire and eat on English muffins. Breakfast is pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (on English muffins, of course) and fruit. Treat yourself on the way home to some delicious Rudy’s BBQ ;)

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Food List

  • 2 gallons of water
  • 1 5-Liter bag of wine
  • 1lb pistachios
  • 4 bananas
  • 1 cantaloupe, cut
  • 1 pineapple, cut
  • 1lb cherries
  • 2 premade cheeseburgers
  • 2 premade pb&j sandwiches
  • 2 sausages
  • 2 extra english muffins
  • Ketchup
  • Mustard

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Cooking: There are no open fires during a burn-ban, so be sure to check beforehand to see if you will be able to build a campfire. If not, consider bringing a small grill for cooking if you want hot food. If the burn-ban is not in effect, you are allowed to gather and burn all the driftwood you want. Bring the charcoal in either case, because you will need it to help start the fire. Be sure to dig a pit for the fire to shield it from the wind. If cooking over a pit fire, you will need a tripod-grill or something similar.

If you are using instant light charcoal, do not leave it out in the wind. It will go stale and become difficult to light.

Driving 2-wheel-drive vehicles in the sand: Be sure to get gas before entering the park as there is no fuel available after a certain point on the island. South Beach is drivable by 2WD for about 5 miles, but there is no need to go down much further than a mile. The closer to the paved road, the better. Just in case. The beaches are Texas highways, so there will be traffic passing through at all times, even through the night.

If you do get stuck, the same basic rules of snow driving apply. Don’t waste your time digging or spinning your tires. If you can manage to rock it out, reverse in your own tracks. Your best bet is to find a good Samaritan to tow you. There is usually a very soft spot right at the beginning of the sand road. If you encounter this, there will probably be a route around it that is closer to the water and more compact. Look for the route around the soft spot before trying to push through it. If you have to drive through a soft spot, go fast!


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TPP POST COITAL

Did Douche Delicious make us fight?

We have had a problem lately of fighting every time we drink. This is probably because our tolerances are so low that we black out and become belligerent. Our two main goals for the trip were to drink in moderation and not fight. Do you think we followed through?


Did we Fuck, Fight, or Hitchhike? | 00:00:57


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Follow Up: Kelly makes a rude comment while Jessica is trying to record an audio note in the car on the way home. Play Audio Note